The Girl's Guide to Cowboys by BA Tortuga

You've all heard of the Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing, right? Well this is going to be the girl's guide to cowboys. What qualifies me to be an expert, you might ask. Years of observation. I'm a card-carrying cowboy admirer and as such a huge fan of the breed, I think I'm probably overqualified to share a few observations.

Lesson One: Cowboy Speak

From darlin' to honey to bubba to buddy, from drivin' horns to runnin' up to fetch something at the Wallyworld, cowboys can seem to speak a foreign language. Add to that the fact that you've got cowboys from the Deep South, Big Sky Country, the Western Plains, the Lone Star State, the high desert and tons of places in between? You might have yourself a little language barrier.

One thing most cowboys have in common is pet names. They call their women baby, or honey, or darlin' or even sweetheart. Even the staunchest feminist cannot resist the lure of a drawled honey, trust me. Even if it makes you grit your teeth so hard you can count constellations behind your eyes, it will warm your heart.

Now, conversely, lady? Can either be a direct compliment to a woman's raising (Oh, man, she's a lady, through and through), or it can be a most direct insult (Yeah, *lady*, I hear you.). Fortunately, it's not difficult to tell. Those rolling eyes and the deepened drawl? A dead giveaway.

The last element in cowboy speak comes from knowing that they do all things in their own time in their own way. If they say they're fixing to do something, that doesn't mean they'll do it right away. If they say "when I get around to it" don't push them. And when they say "we'll get married someday, honey," it's probably best to take that with a grain of salt.

Lesson 2: The anatomy of a cowboy outfit

There are four vital bits to the cowboy dress - the jeans, the boots, the hat, and the buckle.

Let's start with the jeans. Uhn. Tight and faded. Starched and ironed. These are the most basic element in the cowboy uniform. Make no mistake - these are work clothes, formal clothes, church clothes, going muddin' clothes.

Riding clothes. Going to town clothes.

Going dancing clothes.

Wedding and funeral attire.

It all just depends on the shade of blue.

The boots work with the jeans to make a cowboy's butt look amazing. Just like high heels on a woman's outfit, they tilt the body so the butt sticks out just so, making it impossible not stare. A good pair of boots will also make a man's upper body look wider, giving the cowboy that essential broad shoulder narrow hip appearance. Oh, yeah, and they actually have a working purpose, keeping a man's heels in the stirrups.

Now, please remember, there are work boots and dress boots. Work boots are everyday wear, beloved and ragged out and capable of just about anything.

Dress boots? Ladies, they cost more than your wedding dress did and might outlive you, so keep the puppies, the kids, and the cat's claws away.

The hat not only shades the face and keeps the air circulating above the head, but it adds mystery. Ever see a cowboy work a hat, tilting it down over his face so you get the shadowy look with the piercing eyes arrowing out? If you haven't, you should.

Again, there are many levels of cowboy hat - summer hats are made of straw, are relatively inexpensive, and make fun patterns on a man's face. Felt hats are graded by X's.

Yeah, you heard me - X's. X is a fair hat. Inexpensive, good for working and keeping the rain off. A 50-X hat? Isn't for working, it's for hunting ladies and looking studly. A 100-X hat doesn't come out in the rain.

Another interesting fact, most western wear shops will clean and block a felt hat for free and any cowboy worth his salt will have it done before that special date.

Finally, there's the belt buckle. Shiny and big, these badges of honor are most special to a cowboy when he's earned them, either for work done or in a rodeo. Some of them will have scorpions trapped in amber, some bucking bulls, some semi trucks. They all mean something – and most cowboys are willing and ready to tell you what that something is.

Oh, and that whole thing about compensating with buckle-size? Not in my experience, honey.

Combine all of these elements with a nice starched shirt and some Old Spice and you have a license to make hearts everywhere flutter.

Lesson 3: Family

Okay, let's start this with the biggie.

Momma.

Now, there is no one as wonderful, as horrible, as terrifying and potentially perfect as a cowboy's momma. She is the provider of biscuit and gravy, of blue jean patches, of that $15 loan when a guy's tank needs gas.

She may be one of many types of momma's. There's the Mary Kay momma. You know the type - perfect lipstick, plastic covered furniture, gets her hair set every Wednesday at the beauty school.

There's also the sun-hardened ranch momma, who wears flannel and jeans, even to church. Now, this type of momma can be hard-spoken, but she's a fierce defender of her boys and likely to tell you her thoughts in no uncertain terms.

Scariest of all, though? The deceptive soft, gentle momma. She cooks, she cleans, she sews. She quilts. She was in the PTA, the Boy Scout leader and she always has a sunny, pleasant smile.

Be wary. Be very careful. She's the most dangerous one of all. She will eat you alive and look happy doing it.

Daddy: While momma is the one to watch, many cowboys have good relationships with their dads, ones which result in telepathic conversations shared at fences with their boots hooked on bottom posts, or sitting in easy chairs in front of a ballgame. If you've ever seen one cowboy look at another and say, "Yup," you have just witnessed this phenomenon.

Daddies can also be tricky because, while they are the parent most often rebelled *against*, Daddies are the keepers of all knowledge esoteric and strange, such as how to tell whether a truck is cherry from fifty yards, whether that bronc's 'gonna kill you, boy' or whether a girl's for marryin' or not.

Siblings: Finally, you have siblings. This is where you really have to put aside your worries about things like fist fights and name calling, because if a cowboy has brothers, you can be sure he's gonna knock about with them.

Now, Bubba is the first boy who has a sibling to call him that. In other words, the oldest son is Bubba if he has an older sister, otherwise it's the next boy down the line. Sissy is the oldest sister, regardless of whether she's the oldest child or not.

Don't ask; I didn't make the rules...

NEWLY ADDED!

Lesson 4: The truck

Now, a cowboy without a pickup is like a yuppie without an SUV - rarely seen, rarely happy and rarely experiencing the good side of life. Cowboys love their pickups and can (and will) argue passionately over Dodges and Chevys and Fords - which is tougher, which lasts longer, and which one they need. This truck'll get more attention than you will, more petting, more sweet talk and, in today's economy? More of his wallet. There will be a towing package. There ought to be a gun rack and then there's this unmistakable 'gee I'm a boy' smell that's a mixture of motor oil, Old Spice, coffee and mud.

Delicious...